The Newness of Heart

It's October!  Wow, when did that happen?  I'm so glad.  The weather is finally right up my alley - cool, breezy, and even sunny today after a few days of miserable, cold, rain!  I'm very excited. 

Welcome to my new blog!  There are a lot of posts I brought over from my old blog so that I would not lose them.  The last few are pretty powerful and full of pain, so beware if you decide to read them!  

So, where do I start?  I feel full of light and inspiration today and it's so refreshing.  I've been through a lot the last few weeks.  At times, I feel like I've been to hell and back.  That tends to happen after the deep throws of an episode.  This last episode was a doozy on its own, with some external factors exacerbating my symptoms.  Very frustrating.  

I want this to be a new start.  Actually, each emergence from a bad episode is a new start.  Each time I am stronger, freer, and more inspired.  That's the beautiful part of being bipolar or having mental illness in general: the strength and tenacity you learn, and the beauty that comes after each bad episode or depression.  Life is so much lighter, brighter, and more beautiful when I'm able to breathe freely again.  It's like drawing new breath each time.  

I truly loathe the agony of a depressive or mixed episode.  It's so difficult.  But coming out of it feels like I'm a phoenix, rising from the ashes.  I brush off the remaining ash, and rise above to greet the new day.  

This is how I wish I could live my whole life.  I'm working on it.  When I'm feeling this inspired, I work hard to take in as much as I can, because I know if or when I fall again, I will have a very difficult time seeing the light.  It is scary to say the least.  But I cannot deny the immense LIFE I feel afterward.  It's almost like I needed to go through that to re-gain perspective.  I don't know.  I could be making no sense.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts, and has been a while since I've felt like this.  

I worry that as easily as I'm saying these things, my mood can change for the worse.  It has happened before.  But I hope that my mental state is stronger than that today.  I have been battling a cold, but despite that have been feeling better mood-wise.  Today marks day #2.  Yes, I count days.  The best part is when the days turn into weeks.  

I really hope this is the start of something new.  

Misunderstood

So many things are going on right now.  And they're all going on in my brain.  I can't seem to slow it down.  I can't seem to make it "behave" the way a "normal" brain would.  My brain just wants to wreak havoc on the entire neighborhood.  That neighborhood people, is my life.  

So I thought I was getting better.  Time for rest, time for reflection, time for positive thoughts and feelings was exactly what I needed and hey!  It worked!  "Ehh… not so fast" says my brain.  

My moods are misfiring all over the Universe it feels like.  One minute I'm fine.  The next minute I think I'm going to totally lose my shit.  The next minute I'm calmer but worried that if anything else goes wrong or irritates me, I will most definitely LOSE MY SHIT!

Yep, the life of a mixed episode, rapid cycling bipolar.  Sounds like fun, huh?  Not so much.  

I feel like not only do I not understand what is going on within my psyche, but others don't get it either.  I don't blame them.  How in the world is someone else supposed to understand what's going on with me if I can't TELL them what's going on with me!  I mean really, Carrie.  Let's get a grip here.  

Thank the Lord and all that is Holy for my doctor.  I talked to her again today and she assured me that I am not getting worse, I am just having a "normal" (for me) mood fluctuation that is exacerbated by external stressors.  Okay.  Makes sense.  But wait, it still doesn't make it better!  SIGH.  

So I'm waiting.  I'm trying to be patient, but there goes that whole "losing of shit" fear again: agitation over practically nothing.  Yeah, that's a fun one.  Sitting here in the calm of the day, feeling worse and worse even though I'm doing the things I love most.  

I cleaned the bathroom today.  Woke up feeling better and HAD to do something productive.  Then my mood plummeted.  Again.  Up, down, up, down, up, down.  In mere minutes I go from pleasant to poltergeist.  Yep, minutes.  

I'm trying to ride through this, but there's too much going on.  I can't seem to control myself.  I can't seem to keep my shit together.  This roller coaster is getting a little too wild for my likes.  The last five days have been hell.  No medication changes needed, thank goodness.  No emergency hospitalization either.  Just the overwhelming challenge of riding these rapids lies ahead.  I don't deal with stress well at all, especially emotional stress.  Too many things are taxing my heart strings and it's making me miserable because I don't know what to do about them.  And I know that the road ahead is going to be a long one.  Perhaps that is the reason I am rebelling at the moment - because I'm not happy that I am not going to BE happy for some time to come.  

There's a five branch fork in the road ahead of me right now.  I'm so confused...

Coming Back

Wow, what a ride!  Last week was quite a challenge for me.  I was met with a continually worsening low mood and many frustrations on top of that.  Actually, I thought I was getting better Friday, but that was the worst day of all.  Saturday was just the icing on the cake.  

Have you ever had times like these?  Sometimes I find myself sitting here, scratching my head, thinking "What the hell just happened?"  Over the weeks preceding, I thought I was getting better and better at being positive and having a better outlook on things.  But after several aggravations, I finally broke.  I finally lost control and got ugly.  I am not proud of that.  

However, I need to be kind to myself.  Ugly or not, I was hurting.  And when a trigger comes along that's strong enough to break me, I need to realize that it was just that - a trigger - and I can overcome.  I wasn't so sure I could overcome last week.  

But Monday is upon me: a new day, a new week, a new beginning.  I have had time to think, time to sleep, and time to regain some of the strength I feel I lost, if only for a moment.  Quite frankly, I am proud of myself that I did not fall into the dark abyss for more than just a night and a day.  In fact, it was only a span of hours where I felt really hopeless.  The rest I was just hurt and angry.  

I want to let it go.  I want to release the anger and move on.  Anger does me no good.  It only makes me toxic.  And that is unacceptable to me.  So despite the gray, rainy day, I invite positivity and light back into my house.  I am ashamed that I let the negativity consume me so quickly.  Then again, it was not easy by any means.  

I feel lighter again.  I feel healthier again.  I am going to draw from some of my resources to get back to "me" again.  What you saw in my last post was not the me I want to be.  Not by far.  I refuse to let the anger, frustration, and sadness take over my life like that for longer than it already has.  I am better than that.  

So, "Hello New Day…"  I can't wait to see what you have in store for me.

A Correction

After some feedback from one of (or perhaps my only) readers, I feel the need to add to my last post.  Because maybe me being "honest" will make them feel better.

The REASON money is a big issue at the moment is because I went on a spending spree for my birthday.  Yes, me.  It's all my fault that I do not have the money to afford my doctor or counselor right now.  And it's absolutely driving me CRAZY.

I feel horrible.  I feel irresponsible.  I was not trying to lie, or deceive by not offering up this information in my last post.  My last post was about how I was feeling.  Money being tight was not the reason for my last post, it was the catalyst.  

But let's be "honest," right?  I have failed.  I have failed myself and my fiance.  I have failed my doctors and my counselors.  And most importantly, because I failed myself, I have failed my health.  

Every - single - thing I said in my last post I feel every day with or without money.  Let's just put that up front.  Yes, I experience roadblocks.  And they're frustrating.  The particular roadblock of getting a letter about fees being raised came at the wrong time.  I was already worried about money (AT MY OWN DOING - ugh).  I was having a frustrating day to top it off, and then I got the letter. 

I'm not sure if anyone who reads my blog knows much about triggers.  But triggers are a BIG part of being bipolar.  One thing, one small little thing can send a bipolar spiraling into the dark abyss.  That happened to me yesterday.  It was a trigger on top of many others I was able to dodge.  But this one stuck.  

To top it off, my fiance and I are now fighting.  Because why?  Because yet again, I wanted too much.  I EXPECTED too much from him.  I could not just accept that he needed some time to himself and therefore I got selfish and needy and we ended up in a huge fight. 

I need to much.  I want too much.  I spend too much.  And I expect too much.  Because some how, now matter how hard I try, except for the comfort of my doctor and counselor, I am constantly met with people telling me I am too selfish.  And now, that I am not being honest with myself.  

So there you go.  Honesty.  I honestly feel like I am fucking up my life and I have no control and have NO idea how to fix it.  There you have it.  

Unraveling From Within

I feel like sometimes we are tested to our limits.  And today, I just reached mine.  I'm not sure what to say.  It was just the straw that broke the camel's back for me today.  I got a letter from my doctor's office telling me they are raising their fees.  What's most frustrating is the timing of the whole thing.  Money is a big issue at the moment.  So much so, that I cancelled both my doctor and my counselor because I couldn't afford them this month.  Then I find out fees will be raised starting in November.  

I feel like I'm unraveling from deep within my core.  Yes, I am worried and fearful of the fee change.  But what is keeping the tears from stopping this afternoon is how hard I feel I work to better myself and my health, and it feels like it's just one roadblock after another.  I finally get to a stage where I feel like I'm GETTING somewhere.  I'm feeling more positive.  I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm breathing easier and smiling more.  I'm more patient.  I'm less hostile.  I am finding blessings in the smallest of things.  So why?  Why am I met with challenge after challenge?  It just doesn't seem fair.  

Yeah… "this is life," right?  Well, I'm sorry if it seems selfish of me to want better for myself.  I try so hard, SO HARD to change my perceptions.  I try to keep calm and keep "sane" when sometimes I just want to go off the deep end.  Do you know how hard that is?  Do you know how hard it is to live your life one step away from the edge?  I try so hard, especially lately, not to dwell on it.  I try to accept that challenges will always lie in my path, it's how I choose to overcome them that matters.  And it's the fact that I choose to overcome them that matters most, that I choose to stand up and fight and not give up.  

Today I made a vow to continue to work to create a better, healthier me.  But sometimes, I wonder if I'm strong enough.  

I am used to providing for my partnership.  I am used to bringing home a solid income.  I am used to being able to eat and not count every single penny that comes into my bank account.  I am not used to the two weeks of anxiety that consume me before my next Disability payment.  

I want to believe I will overcome this too.  But my sorrows today, my tears and agony, come from the frustration of working so hard, and getting 10 steps ahead, only to fall 20 steps back.  Another challenge.  Another roadblock.  Another obstacle to overcome.  And my state of mind - my poor, fragile, unstable brain cannot take it all sometimes.  

I'm Melting

I find this fascinating.  I just had a difficult mood week.  I was feeling low, down in the dumps, sad, just bad.  But I was able to ride through it.  I was able to "flow through the low" (my new favorite phrase), and today I am feeling lighter.  It was another difficult time getting out of bed this morning.  I wanted to sleep all day, but I got up, had my coffee, and I'm feeling better.  It's such a relief.  I feel like I'm slowly emerging out from behind the clouds today.  It's a process.  I am not up, jumping for joy.  But I definitely feel better, lighter, happier.  I feel like it's easier to smile, it's easier to move, it's easier to breathe.  

Except for ONE thing.  And it's been driving me crazy for months.  And I'm not sure how to let go of this one thing.  It is - the weather.  It is warm.  Not nearly as hot as it was earlier in the summer.  But I feel like I've been waiting ALL SUMMER LONG for some form of relief from the heat and humidity.  It's been the bane of my existence since it started.  

You see, I get very crabby in the heat.  It makes me sweaty.  And I hate being sweaty, because I feel gross.  I feel dirty, smelly, slimy, and gross.  The heat makes me uncomfortable.  I cannot move without sweating.  I cannot move without my body temperature rising and it's just unbearable to me for some reason.  I realize, that I need to "flow through the low (or high)" of the heat.  But how?  I try to stay calm.  I try to make myself more comfortable by sitting in front of fans.  Sometimes, I even hole myself up in the bedroom, the only room with an air conditioner, just for some relief.  But I feel cooped up in there.  

Keep in mind, my life is conducted in my house.  I do not get out of the house much, and on days where it's unbearably hot, I do not want to leave the house, because that means going out in the hot sun, sweating more, only… in public!  Ugh.  I cannot bear the thought of other people seeing me in such distress.  I feel like they are looking at me thinking "what a fat slob - look at how badly she's sweating because she's so fat!"  It's a curse.

So how do I let the heat go?  Because as I look at the weather forecast, it appears the more I look at it, the more warm days appear, as if there will never be an end in sight.  Sure 78 is in the 70's, but it's still close to the 80's and that makes me frustrated.  I get so agitated!  

I've been begging Mother Nature to hear my calls for too long.  So I have decided I have to change MY thinking and just grin and bear it.  There is nothing I can do about the weather.  Nothing.  It is completely out of my control.  So why do I fret about it so?  Time to turn my frown upside down, and figure out how to get through this endless summer.  

I have NO idea what to do.  But I'm thinking.  Perhaps gratefulness will help.  I am grateful for the sunshine.  I am grateful not to have to shovel 3 feet of snow.  I am grateful to be able to wear flip flops.  (No, you negative thoughts that are trying to creep in.  I will not succumb to you!)  It is beautiful out.  Yes it's warm, but it is still beautiful.  My housework can wait until a cooler time.  Hopefully… HOPEFULLY we are only a couple weeks away from some relief.  Ha!  That's what I said a month ago.  ((sigh))  Help.  

Do Not Disturb

Negative thoughts are knocking at my door.  Some are even shouting out loud so I can hear which ones are trying to come in.  I will not answer the door.  Instead, I will open the window full of sunlight and encourage positivity to come in.  Go away negative thoughts... you are not welcome here.  You scare me and I do not like how you make me feel.