I Am Me

I'm in awe, and almost speechless.  

Today started out very difficult.  I slept in, because I was very tired.  I woke up grumpy - very grumpy.  I wasn't sure what to do with myself.  I was frustrated by my pet turtle.  I was frustrated with how I was feeling.  I was just plain frustrated.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I wasn't sure how to make it better, and I so desperately wanted it to be better. 

I had a counseling appointment that I did not want to go to.  I was miserable!  I wanted to stay cooped up in my house, not catching two busses to her office and then another two busses home.  But I had to do it.  I had already canceled my last appointment.  I knew I needed this, even if I was miserable about going. 

The busses were crowded.  They were stinky.  But I got there.  And as I walked through the door something struck me.  I was GLAD to be there.  I realized that even though I didn't want to go, it was a good thing to be there, and I was okay with being there.  

Quickly into my appointment I was full of smiles.  We talked about how I had been doing lately.  And I said, I had been doing well!  I looked back on my last two weeks, and apart from yesterday, I felt good about them.  And even though I wasn't feeling my best yesterday, I flowed with it, and was okay with saying "it wasn't a good day."  

I laughed and smiled, and was thankful for everything that had been going on.  I raved about the book I just read, the Power.  I even had great laughs and smiles and heart warming emotion telling her about how much I love Tony and how much fun we have.  It was wonderful.  

I walked out of there renewed.  I even stopped by the park to listen to some beautiful music two women were singing on a tiny stage.  The music echoed off the large buildings surrounding Love Park, and it was magnificent.  

I got home and caught up on Facebook, and was (as usual) met with wonderful posts, quotes, and smiles.  

I am home.  I am comfortable.  I am well.  I am happy.  And it all started with a birthday card from my mom that brought tears of pride to my eyes.  Pride about myself.  And a deep love and thankfulness to have her in my life, and to be living my life.  I am living.  I am me.  

Thankful Thursdays

Well, I'm feeling low today.  And no, I'm not too sure how to handle it.  I had some very good days recently.  And this is hard to be feeling.  I woke up this way - very tired, and wanting to sleep all day.  I still managed to get out of bed, because I felt like it was the right thing to do, but even though I have checked my email and Facebook, I'm not feeling my usual morning uplift.  

So, I will take a tool from my new book, and start counting my blessings:  

I am thankful for getting up despite feeling very groggy and slow and tired.  It was still nice to get out of bed, make my coffee, feed the turtle, and open the blinds.  I am even enjoying the fact that it's a gray day outside so far.  I find sometimes that endless sunshine is too much pressure.  Lately I have truly been enjoying it, but I love the occasional gray, snuggly day.  

This morning when feeding Leona, she was being her usual silly self and Tony got a glimpse of it and laughed, hard.  It was wonderful.  I just love his laugh and smile.  And to hear a laugh like that come out of him so early in the morning was awesome.  I told him it's laughs like that she gives me every day and that's why I love her so much.  I love that turtle.  And that Tony!  

I am grateful for the message I saw on Facebook about letting the Universe answer your problems and not worrying.  That is what happened for me yesterday.  All is well now, and I am lighter one less worry.  It's wonderful.  

I am thankful that one of my favorite songs just came on and I can sing along.  I love singing, even if I don't have my gift anymore!  It's still fun to sing out loud.  Hehe!

I am thankful for the cool temps so far this morning.  Perhaps I should go take a shower to start off my day.  I'm stinky!  

So yes, I have plenty to be thankful for.  My house, my bed, my coffee, my pet turtle, my amazing fiance, my comfortable clothes, the fact that I paid my bills yesterday, and on it goes.  

I'm still feeling heavy, but my heart is lighter having taken a moment to remember all I am thankful for today.  I hope the gratitude continues as the day wears on.  

Thankful Thursdays

Well, I'm going to go with one of my days of the week this morning: Thankful Thursdays.  

To start, today is my first day without taking an anti-depressant in Lord knows how long.  I have stopped the Prozac.  Now, I still have probably two weeks before it really is out of my system completely, but today was the first day without taking that pill.  ONE LESS PILL!  It's like, SO EXCITING!  Hee!  So we'll see in a couple weeks how I'm managing.  Gotta keep the eyes peeled and the heart and emotion door open to see what happens and keep tabs on myself. 

I am also VERY thankful for yesterday's re-uniting with the blog.  It felt really good.  Not only did I post two entries, but I changed my description so it's geared toward me only, not Tony and me.  I will miss what I had up there before, because I thought it was really cute, and completely full of inside jokes between Tony and I that would make people curious.  But this blog has become mine.  So, although Tony helped me get it up and running and was my supporter when I started, he is letting me spread my wings and go my own way.  I love that he trusts me so much!  

And of course, to have read all my posts up to date and have such an amazing reaction to them is worth being very thankful for.  I am still in awe at how I felt reading all of them.  

And thank you Pandora, for your beautiful mixes.  I'm so glad I upgraded so that I can listen to you as long and as much as I want with no ads!  Music is so powerful.  

On a silly note, I drank all my coffee today and didn't get nearly as stuffy as I usually do.  I think I need to come to the conclusion that I am allergic to coffee in some way because my nose runs like Niagara Falls when I drink it!  But I've been trying to make LESS coffee because I've been wasting it.  And today I made the perfect amount.  Two cups of coffee precisely.  Perfect!  

What a way to start the day.  So thankful.  Grateful.  (And a little nervous because football officially starts tonight!  AGH!)

Silly Saturdays

I haven't written in a while. I actually haven't been feeling very well. Depression has come back and with a vengeance. I have been sleeping a lot, and not feeling up to talking or doing anything the last week. It's been a tough one. I've been put back on an antidepressant, this time I'm going to try an oldie but a goodie: Prozac. We'll see what transpires and if it helps me. Now that my aggression and agitation are pretty much under control, the doctors think that it's time to re-introduce an antidepressant since the depression is still very prominent.

But today has been wonderful day. I slept in as late as Tony for the first time in a long time. I can thank the depression for the ability to stay in bed that long! I got up shortly after him and started the day off with an apple turnover and a few cups of coffee. That got me to feeling well enough to enjoy some silly television. And that's what we've been doing all day. Between a couple small meals and playing on the computer, it's just been a silly, nonsense TV day. And I couldn't be happier.

Tony is such a great support to me during these times. Much of the time I don't feel worthy. He makes it okay to be lazy for the day and is supportive despite my lack of motivation and productivity. I'm lucky to have someone like this in my life because I tend to be so hard on myself. Even if I don't do anything during the day, I am constantly berating myself about what I "should" or "could" be doing. So to have someone make it okay not to do anything, is really refreshing. I'm feeling lucky this silly Saturday, which is indeed a silly-filled Saturday.

Freeing Fridays

Well, everyone I know is talking about SNOW! But luckily, we were spared. Seems the forecast didn't turn out as big for Philadelphia as they anticipated and I'm happy to say that we actually are seeing sunshine! It's a great end to a great day.

This has been such an up and down week, full of accomplishments and frustrations. But over all, as I sit here on a Friday snow day, I can say that this has been a good week. A great week in fact, given the way things have been going for so long.

Today, I got everything accomplished I set out to do, and I did it all by noon! My freedom today comes from so many things, but the most fun one is having shoveled the sidewalks. Something like shoveling the sidewalks is a HUGE feat for me. It means actually leaving the house and doing physical activity that makes me uncomfortable. I know, sounds pathetic to some, but the struggle is so real and true for people suffering mental illness. But the best part of shoveling this morning, is that Tony didn't have to do it. And that is such a freeing feeling: to have accomplished something for us, that makes his life easier. My freedom today comes from freeing up his burdens, if only a half hour of one, but a burden none-the-less.

Smiles on Sundays

My smiles today are a result of jokes, laughter, cuddles, and fun with Tony after a very difficult week for the two of us.

It's days like these, where the smiles feel like sunshine, and remind me what life is truly made of. I am overcome with a calming sense of peace and humility that the small things in life are what make it so worth living, and those times when the anguish is almost too much to bear are not the end, because more sunshine smiles are possibly just around the corner.

Silly (Smarty-Pants) Saturdays

I think I can speak for a lot of other couples out there, that one person in the relationship is usually the "good one" when it comes to certain things. Well, in our relationship, I used to be the "good one" when it came to words, vocabulary, Scrabble, crosswords, and the like. It was cute, I used to kick butt in the word department. It made me feel smart.

BUT THEN! Tony got his hands on my crosswords game for Nintendo DS and it was just downhill from there. That man has mastered that game so successfully that he's lightyears beyond me in terms of the crosswords and anagrams and even word searches he has accomplished. That man is a machine! I mean really? I had no idea he was playing the game THAT MUCH! But he was.

Well that was just the start I'm afraid. Last night we downloaded Boggle on XBox. That boy whooped my butt! I was dumbfounded. That used to be one of my favorite games and he just nailed it!

So then we (I) decided we should try Scrabble Slam, the card game. Yet again… ass handed to me. What in the world?! When did this shift take place? I was the good one with word games! I'm so devastated. I better get to using my brain again, or it's going to turn into tapioca pudding mush! Fo' real.

Smiles on Sundays

What a difficult week it has been. Increased medication which has nearly knocked me out cold, not to mention made typing or focusing on anything extraordinarily difficult. I'm still working on it all.

But through it all, smiles were had, especially today. A fun day out despite the snow STILL piled high on our streets. A grocery run, some yummy snacks a result of that, a nap for me, and video games for Tony as I listen to some great music on Pandora this evening. It's a good night and I wish it didn't have to end in a few hours.

Happy Valentines Day to my baby. Tony, you remain my companion, my supporter, and my strength in times I think I am about to lose it all together. Thank you for everything you do for me. I know you feel funny about thank you's, but this is the only way I know how to even remotely tell you what you mean to me. You come through the darkness I'm feeling to show me light and love and hope, when I am nearly consumed by the frustrations of my situation. You are so strong to be here with me and stand behind, and beside me, when I need you most. I love you baby. I love you more than I ever knew I possibly could love, and that love for you grows every day.

You are my biggest smile, every day.

Silly (SNOWY) Saturdays

A silly day indeed. We start with nearly two feet of snow… in Philadelphia of all places! The band of precipitation just seemed to cover Southern PA and areas South, so in a twist of events the Northern most part of the Northeast corner of the States did not get a flake! It's too funny for me to sit here looking out the window at cars covered with snow, wind blustering around and blowing the snow all over, yet know that my mom in Scranton is looking out the window to a dry day. I wonder if they have sun!

So to keep with the silliness of the day, the movie of the hour is Major League. I don't think I've ever seen it, and I see why! It's corny alright! Because of the weather, there is barely anything on TV in lieu of news coverage of the "Blizzard" of 2010.

My poor fiancee is outside cleaning off his truck of all the snow. He already shoveled the sidewalks. Such a trooper. And his brother is visiting for the weekend so we'll likely continue the silliness with more goofy movies, jokes, catching up, and maybe even a game or two. Considering I'm not one so much for games, I hope they keep each other company so I can continue to play on my computer and listen to music. Pandora.com is awesome so far. I plugged in one of my favorite artists and have been totally addicted to the station it created for me ever since.

And in a final mention of silliness on this Silly Saturday - my turtle Leona has been basking on her platform, but has her butt hanging off the edge and her two back legs stretched out behind her on top of the water. Have you ever seen a dog lay face-down with his front feet in front of him and his back legs stretched out flat behind him? Yes, that is exactly what my turtle is doing, only the majority of her body is on the basking platform except for her butt sticking out and her two legs just floating on the water. It's hilarious!

Thankful Thursdays

Earlier today, it was so much easier to think about what I'm thankful for than it is at the present moment. This evening took a dramatic downturn that I was not prepared for. I had a very big outburst and meltdown which, albeit frightening, was somewhat cathartic for me. Perhaps getting a lot of that pent-up anger out was a good release. That and the crying - no, sobbing. Tears are always a huge release when they come in large waves. Painful and agonizing at the time, but in the end I definitely feel that chemical release they speak of with regard to crying.

So today I am most thankful for Lou on the Suicide Prevention Crisis Hotline. I called in much distress, and she was the one I was routed to. She was wonderful… calm, sweet, straight-forward, and excellent at keeping me talking, even to the point where she was able to get me to talk about things other than what I was distressed about so I was much more relaxed in the end. The first time I ever called a suicide hotline in my life, I ended up trying to commit suicide having ended up more frustrated than I was to begin with. But today, I'm thankful that not only was she kind and concerned, but I was also more in need of someone to talk to than someone to take me from the edge.

I am also thankful for Tony coming home when he was scheduled to go play cards. For him to make the determination that I needed someone home with me tonight without me asking, and still coming home despite my protests means more to me than words can express. It's a quiet night for us, but just to have him next to me as we eat dinner and watch TV helps more than he will ever be able to fully understand.

So for Thankful Thursday: "Thank you Lou and Tony, for showing me love and support when I was at the end of my rope today." I wish I were able to say there will be less and less of these days sooner and sooner, but I fear we may have a long way to go yet.

Precious Moments

Realizing that despite feeling worse than I have ever felt about myself in my life, the man sitting next to me on the couch sees something so beautiful and lovable that he not only wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but insists on it - even if that means living together in a room so small, I can cook us dinner from my side of the bed.

Shout-Outs

There have been a lot of frustrations with my health since my first couple posts. I'd love to say that I'm going to start this again and really get going with it, but I know myself better than that. What I will do, is let myself post when I want to post, and not put unnecessary pressure on myself - because I have enough of that already!

I really would love to put up my first post about living with bipolar disorder. However, I am focusing more on having a lighthearted night with Tony and getting some much needed smiles, laughs, snuggles, and relaxation.

So tonight I would like to give a few shout-outs in keeping with my attempts at maintaining calm.

http://www.BringChange2Mind.org

Recently discovered, yet still not fully explored, I love this website. I've only viewed a few videos, but each one has brought me to tears. The tears come from truly relating to what is being said, what has been felt, suffered, and overcome. The tears come from pain for those IN pain, including myself. And the tears come from the hope and possibility I see in each person as they share their story. I am so thankful that organizations are really taking the initiative to shed some light on mental illness and fight the stigma out there. It's so comforting for people like me, deep in the throws of illness itself, struggling to come out of the darkness, and see there are people out there that are not afraid of you, even when you're terrified of yourself.

I want to make a very special mention of my amazing friend Jody. I met her when I was 17, as an exchange student in Australia. I don't remember much of my exchange anymore, but I know that we became great friends, and when I returned three years later, we picked up right where we left off, and it's been the same ever since, even though I have returned to the States. She has been an amazing source of support, compassion, and unconditional love, despite being half a world away. She is one of the most beautiful, precious people I know, and I feel so lucky to be able to call her a close friend. From the time we were teenagers, she "got me," and has been reminding me to keep my heart full and open despite the struggles I encounter along life's path. I truly believe she is divine in her own way, because she has always been an angel to me. To Jody: you have always known the right things to say and the right times to say them. I thank you for being such a precious gift to me!

A new guilty pleasure of mine is exploring Molton Brown products. I started with the re-charging Black Pepper body wash and lotion. I indulged in some new face cream and eye cream and toner, and a few more scents from them. Although I have always been a diehard Aveda fan, I must admit that Molton Brown is intoxicating when I'm feeling so low and frazzled and am in desperate need of a shower and to smell good!

Glad to have had a great night reconnecting with Tony. I have missed our closeness for some time. Perhaps the two of us can work on a post together about what we've been going through. But "no seriousness" tonight. Hee!

(Jody, this post is dedicated to you… let's hope there are many more to come! Thanks babe, much love to you! xo)

Things That Made Me Smile Today...

There seems to be a cookie gremlin in my house! When I came downstairs this morning, one of two full, large, ziploc bags of homemade chocolate chip cookies was gone!

Leona splashes more enthusiastically each day at dinner time and today was no exception. The water nearly splashed out of the tank!

Finding out one of the cookies that mysteriously disappeared today was traded for cards at a tournament. I hope the cookie was worth it! :)

Finding out that the reason Tony jumped out of his sleep so violently when I pulled the cover over him was because he thought it was a bug crawling down his arm! Oops. Sorry babe!

Sitting next to Tony on the couch listening to music while he messes with cards and I play on the computer because I got out of bed agitated and unable to sleep. The result: my first blog post!