Friday, July 22, 2011


I am in the midst of a medication change and it has been quite like hell for me.  I have been depressed, anxious, and nervous beyond belief for weeks now, coming close to the brink of admitting myself to the hospital.  It makes me wonder if it was worth it.  

But that's the thing about change.  We NEED change in our lives.  And most times, change is for the better.  And if it's not immediately better, it turns better and evens out in the end.  Right?  At least that's how my life up to this point has gone - I think.  I'm still waiting for that "evening out" phase after my major meltdown and withdrawal from society.  

I just think I need to have a more positive view on this medication change.  Perhaps if I can look at it as just that: "change" it won't be so scary.  It's temporary.  The pain and frustration does not have to be the end of me (although sometimes I'm convinced it will be).  I can weather this storm like the many storms before it and come out the other side better, healthier, more whole.  Well, at least that's what I'm hoping for.  

Change is scary, for sure.  But maybe if I embrace it and look to the future, I'll have a better outlook.  And you know what?  That's good enough for me for now.  

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Recently, maybe in the last month or so, I've been getting increasingly more antsy.  I'm starting to want to do things.  Me!  Wanting to do things!  I know, it's shocking.  After years of no motivation, no inspiration, and no drive to speak of, I find myself wanting to be out of the house, away from this comfort zone I have created.  It's pretty profound.  

But… there's a "but."  I am still lacking in creativity and energy.  I'm still struggling with the motivation side of things.  I want to do things, but I don't know WHAT to do.  I don't know WHERE to go.  Or HOW to get where I want to be.  It's the "who's, what's, where's, when's and why's" that are failing me.  So I stay home.  I stay in my comfort zone that is quickly turning into quick sand.  I feel myself sinking.  I'm fading and failing.  I disappoint myself every day that I do not DO something.  It's been really frustrating.  

But with the help of some outside observers, I am starting to try to take a positive approach to this.  This may in fact be progress!  Could it be?  Progress?  Could I be feeling better?  Me?  I don't know!  I never thought of it that way!  I just thought this was another hurdle to overcome.  And yes, yes it is a hurdle, but this could be a GOOD hurdle!  This could be one that I want to jump!  

So we liken it to someone in physical therapy.  You wan to run right away, but you need to take slow, baby steps.  Or a kite that wants to soar but is still tethered to the ground.  My spirt wants to soar.  My heart wants to run.  But my body just needs a little nudging, a little help, and a lot of patience.  I get tired quickly when I'm actually out of the house.  But I'm getting out of the house.  I'm finding it difficult to think of things to do, but I want to do things.  

So maybe, just maybe, I need to put a positive spin on this.  Instead of getting uncomfortable with these new feelings, I need to embrace them.  I need to nurture my heart's desire to do more, be more, become more.  Because in the end, isn't it all part of healing?  

Me.  Healing.  I'm scared to even think it's possible.  But I must think it's possible.  I need to believe.  Me.  Healing.  It just may be happening!  

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wall Bouncer Extraordinare

So I woke up this morning at 7:30.  Bright and early.  Wide awake.  Not quite sure why, but I decided to get up and enjoy the day instead of trying to force myself back into slumber.  I'm glad I did.  It doesn't happen often that I'm up early and WANT to be up, so I am glad I got up.  But it didn't take long for me to start bouncing off the walls.  You see, last week was full of stress and disaster after a broken hot water heater flooded the finished basement.  Thankfully, I rent.  So I wasn't responsible for anything.  But still.  It was a HUGE disruption, and for two days (that were ridiculously HOT!) I was stuck in the house, in the hot living room, unable to move from the couch because I was waiting for people to come in to fix it.  It was torture.  Don't get me wrong, I don't do a lot on a regular day anyway, but to be TRAPPED like that really stressed me out, not to mention wanting to make sure it all got fixed and I did right by the owners.  

Fast forward to today.  I'm up early, and after last week's chaos, I was desperate to get out of the house.  So I went!  I hopped on the bus and went into Center City Philadelphia to look for some things I'd been wanting.  It felt GREAT!  I was out, I was alive, and I was enjoying myself.  This is unheard of.  Usually I'm glued to the house with little to no motivation.  Today was a rarity and I actually took advantage of it!  

But I got tired.  Fast.  The temperature is only in the 70's but it felt like it was mid-80's to me.  Hot.  I was a sweaty mess within minutes.  Blegh.  It's a curse.  The extra weight on my body doesn't help I'm sure.  But I had to fight the disappointment I was feeling having gotten tired so fast.  

You see… this is going to be a process - a LONG process.  I want so desperately to have a life again, but I'm constantly reminded just how far I have to go before getting there.  So I savor days like today.  I savor those moments that I actually WANT to get out and CAN get out.  Disappointment or not, I'm proud of myself today.  It's the small things in life, totally.