Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I read all my blog posts to date today. I am in awe. In keeping with a theme of being proud of myself, I am so proud of myself for what I have accomplished to date.
I think back on the year behind me, the struggles and all the fun I've managed to have despite the intense pain. I am so proud to be sitting here, able to read my posts with an open heart and open mind. I feel like somehow, despite how painful the times may have been, I have managed to blog with a light spirit.
Where does that come from? How am I able to get through such darkness and find light at the other end each time? Some posts I was afraid to read. I was afraid of the feelings they would elicit. But I was pleasantly surprised. I am beaming with pride.
Others may not see what I see when I read these posts. But that's okay with me for right now. This was for ME first and foremost. It has already done wonders for me if after a year of random posts, I can sit here in awe and say "Wow, have I come so far…"
So thank you, internet, for being on this continuing journey of mine. In some ways I feel like it has been many journeys strung together. But I realize now that it's just an endless stream of twists and turns, some flow like silk, some are rapids, but the journey is what it's all about.
The brain. Quite a complex entity in itself. I am ever amazed at all the brain can produce… thoughts, chemicals, nerves, reactions, emotions, and on and on and on says mine.
My brain is like a merry-go-round on high voltage. The thoughts riding the merry-go-round are spinning madly, too fast to move and too fast to come out or make any sense. I can see it. I can see the spinning of thoughts - spinning and spinning and spinning. And no, it does not make me dizzy. Funny. It makes me irritable, and antsy as hell.
Just the other day I re-discovered a classical music station on Pandora. I was in love. It was so calming for me somehow, and I could feel the brain stimulation starting up again. But today when I put it on, it sent my merry-go-round into overdrive and I could not get a thought in, out, or otherwise.
So finally now, at 5:30PM, with the help of my most mellow (perhaps one would consider depressing) station on Pandora, I am finding the calmness to talk about the very thing that kept me from talking before. I thank my friends Liz and Kim for the encouragement to write about the very thing getting in my way of writing. Sure, it took all day, but I did it. That's something to be proud of. A start is a start in my book.