Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Newness of Heart

It's October!  Wow, when did that happen?  I'm so glad.  The weather is finally right up my alley - cool, breezy, and even sunny today after a few days of miserable, cold, rain!  I'm very excited. 

Welcome to my new blog!  There are a lot of posts I brought over from my old blog so that I would not lose them.  The last few are pretty powerful and full of pain, so beware if you decide to read them!  

So, where do I start?  I feel full of light and inspiration today and it's so refreshing.  I've been through a lot the last few weeks.  At times, I feel like I've been to hell and back.  That tends to happen after the deep throws of an episode.  This last episode was a doozy on its own, with some external factors exacerbating my symptoms.  Very frustrating.  

I want this to be a new start.  Actually, each emergence from a bad episode is a new start.  Each time I am stronger, freer, and more inspired.  That's the beautiful part of being bipolar or having mental illness in general: the strength and tenacity you learn, and the beauty that comes after each bad episode or depression.  Life is so much lighter, brighter, and more beautiful when I'm able to breathe freely again.  It's like drawing new breath each time.  

I truly loathe the agony of a depressive or mixed episode.  It's so difficult.  But coming out of it feels like I'm a phoenix, rising from the ashes.  I brush off the remaining ash, and rise above to greet the new day.  

This is how I wish I could live my whole life.  I'm working on it.  When I'm feeling this inspired, I work hard to take in as much as I can, because I know if or when I fall again, I will have a very difficult time seeing the light.  It is scary to say the least.  But I cannot deny the immense LIFE I feel afterward.  It's almost like I needed to go through that to re-gain perspective.  I don't know.  I could be making no sense.  It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts, and has been a while since I've felt like this.  

I worry that as easily as I'm saying these things, my mood can change for the worse.  It has happened before.  But I hope that my mental state is stronger than that today.  I have been battling a cold, but despite that have been feeling better mood-wise.  Today marks day #2.  Yes, I count days.  The best part is when the days turn into weeks.  

I really hope this is the start of something new.  


Tony Calderon said...

I really like the new name and decor :) I think it's an awsome new beginning...

bipofreak said...

I love the phoenix reference. That's exactly how I feel. I also do as much as I can because I know the depressive states will hinder me and I will not have the energy or the drive that comes with a manic or normal state. Beautifully stated.