Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So many things are going on right now. And they're all going on in my brain. I can't seem to slow it down. I can't seem to make it "behave" the way a "normal" brain would. My brain just wants to wreak havoc on the entire neighborhood. That neighborhood people, is my life.
So I thought I was getting better. Time for rest, time for reflection, time for positive thoughts and feelings was exactly what I needed and hey! It worked! "Ehh… not so fast" says my brain.
My moods are misfiring all over the Universe it feels like. One minute I'm fine. The next minute I think I'm going to totally lose my shit. The next minute I'm calmer but worried that if anything else goes wrong or irritates me, I will most definitely LOSE MY SHIT!
Yep, the life of a mixed episode, rapid cycling bipolar. Sounds like fun, huh? Not so much.
I feel like not only do I not understand what is going on within my psyche, but others don't get it either. I don't blame them. How in the world is someone else supposed to understand what's going on with me if I can't TELL them what's going on with me! I mean really, Carrie. Let's get a grip here.
Thank the Lord and all that is Holy for my doctor. I talked to her again today and she assured me that I am not getting worse, I am just having a "normal" (for me) mood fluctuation that is exacerbated by external stressors. Okay. Makes sense. But wait, it still doesn't make it better! SIGH.
So I'm waiting. I'm trying to be patient, but there goes that whole "losing of shit" fear again: agitation over practically nothing. Yeah, that's a fun one. Sitting here in the calm of the day, feeling worse and worse even though I'm doing the things I love most.
I cleaned the bathroom today. Woke up feeling better and HAD to do something productive. Then my mood plummeted. Again. Up, down, up, down, up, down. In mere minutes I go from pleasant to poltergeist. Yep, minutes.
I'm trying to ride through this, but there's too much going on. I can't seem to control myself. I can't seem to keep my shit together. This roller coaster is getting a little too wild for my likes. The last five days have been hell. No medication changes needed, thank goodness. No emergency hospitalization either. Just the overwhelming challenge of riding these rapids lies ahead. I don't deal with stress well at all, especially emotional stress. Too many things are taxing my heart strings and it's making me miserable because I don't know what to do about them. And I know that the road ahead is going to be a long one. Perhaps that is the reason I am rebelling at the moment - because I'm not happy that I am not going to BE happy for some time to come.
There's a five branch fork in the road ahead of me right now. I'm so confused...