Saturday, October 30, 2010
Who AM I?
When I was young, and something went wrong, I was usually sent to my room to think about what I did to cause such a thing to happen. A perfect example of this would be when I lost a friend or someone was mean to me and I would come home crying. I would be told I need to think about what I did to make them not like me. It was detrimental to my confidence, and still lingers with me.
But I have seen several places - whether it's read or heard or seen - that much of what you do not like in other people, many of the strong reactions you have toward other people's actions are because you, yourself, in fact possess those qualities and that is why they are so grating. Is this really true? And if so, to what extent?
I struggle with this a great deal. I am a highly reactive person. My nerves are grated easily, and I'm a plethora of buttons to be pushed. So I'm constantly trying to take a step back and say to myself "Is this happening because I possess the same quality and do the same thing?" Where does it end? What is the guideline for such a skill - to notice that what you don't like in someone else is in fact something you do yourself? It makes me crazy sometimes.
Am I rude? Am I abusive? Do I not listen? Am I not present in conversation? Do I expect too much? Do I want too much? Am I unrealistic? AM I UNREALISTIC?? At what point do we stop dreaming and start doing? (Side tangent.)
But back to the matter at hand. People grate my nerves. And it does not take much. So I think, what have I done to make them react to me in such a way? And then I think, do I possess that annoying characteristic? And then… I'm just lost. I'm lost for who I really am. I am constantly questioning myself. I would like to think that I am a caring, considerate, present person. But am I really? Am I just plain selfish like I've been told my whole life?
I recently had a conversation with my sister about possibly needing a good, swift kick in the ass to get myself back to better. And my sister said she doesn't know how to give me a good kick in the ass because she doesn't know how to kick herself in the ass. Does that mean I do need a kick in the ass? (Side tangent #2.)
Who am I? And am I the only person who is secretly paranoid about what she's doing and how she's interacting with other people to the point of embodying everything she hates?