I Am Me

I'm in awe, and almost speechless.  

Today started out very difficult.  I slept in, because I was very tired.  I woke up grumpy - very grumpy.  I wasn't sure what to do with myself.  I was frustrated by my pet turtle.  I was frustrated with how I was feeling.  I was just plain frustrated.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I wasn't sure how to make it better, and I so desperately wanted it to be better. 

I had a counseling appointment that I did not want to go to.  I was miserable!  I wanted to stay cooped up in my house, not catching two busses to her office and then another two busses home.  But I had to do it.  I had already canceled my last appointment.  I knew I needed this, even if I was miserable about going. 

The busses were crowded.  They were stinky.  But I got there.  And as I walked through the door something struck me.  I was GLAD to be there.  I realized that even though I didn't want to go, it was a good thing to be there, and I was okay with being there.  

Quickly into my appointment I was full of smiles.  We talked about how I had been doing lately.  And I said, I had been doing well!  I looked back on my last two weeks, and apart from yesterday, I felt good about them.  And even though I wasn't feeling my best yesterday, I flowed with it, and was okay with saying "it wasn't a good day."  

I laughed and smiled, and was thankful for everything that had been going on.  I raved about the book I just read, the Power.  I even had great laughs and smiles and heart warming emotion telling her about how much I love Tony and how much fun we have.  It was wonderful.  

I walked out of there renewed.  I even stopped by the park to listen to some beautiful music two women were singing on a tiny stage.  The music echoed off the large buildings surrounding Love Park, and it was magnificent.  

I got home and caught up on Facebook, and was (as usual) met with wonderful posts, quotes, and smiles.  

I am home.  I am comfortable.  I am well.  I am happy.  And it all started with a birthday card from my mom that brought tears of pride to my eyes.  Pride about myself.  And a deep love and thankfulness to have her in my life, and to be living my life.  I am living.  I am me.  

Smiles on Sundays

I'm having a hard time today.  On Sundays I LOVE to write about smiles, but my smiles seem hard to come by for some reason this afternoon.  I feel like I'm oozing negativity, and that alone is making me more negative.  

I've been up since an early 6:30am, woken up from a bad, ghost-filled dream.  I was  so skittish after that dream, I even turned the lights on.  But I got up and made my coffee, and had quite a few giggles over the turtle not being sure what was going on because I was up so early.  She never gets fed that early, but knew that since I was up, food must be coming soon.  She slowly got more and more frisky, climbing on her log and kerplunk-kerplunking to get my attention.  It was pretty cute.  

I enjoyed the morning.  It was quiet and rainy.  My coffee was good and it was even cool enough that I could have oatmeal for breakfast.  I haven't had oatmeal in some time.  Late-morning, while waiting for my mom to call and Tony to wake up, I started reading my book, The Power.  It had me feeling pretty good.  I stuck with it until it got into the tools to use to find more positivity in your life, and how to attract what you want in life.  I thought, "I can do this," and even started the imagination process.  When Tony came downstairs, I closed the book and was feeling good, ready to make some breakfast for the two of us. 

But after an hour or so, I felt the negativity seeping in.  It's been getting worse and worse.  I feel edgy.  I feel irritable.  And I feel bitchy.  All of which I despise.  And that, in itself, is doing the exact opposite of what the book was about: focusing on the positive.  So I'm feeling frustrated.  

I suppose I need to remind myself that it's not a skill I'm going to learn in an hour.  But the difficulty is that somehow, in my desires for the positive, I realized just how negative I am.  Maybe it's part of the process.  Let's just hope.  I think perhaps I need to envision being more positive.  Being healthy.  Being happy.  

So let's try this: although my Sunday is feeling particularly negative, perhaps this is the start of finding more positive light in my life.  Turn that negative around, yes?