It's Okay to Have a Bad Day

One thing I have been working on since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, is the unexpected (and unwanted) mood swings.  I am ever thankful for the blessing that my swings are getting fewer and farther between, but they are still there, even if they are mild.  And they still can be frustrating.  

I have to be honest, I wondered what this week would bring after such a fun-filled weekend.  It's not that I cannot have a fun, exciting time without some sort of downfall, but it's rare.  And usually my fun has to be moderate in order to ward off a dip such as I'm feeling today and have been feeling since Monday night.  

What can I say?  This is just part of being bipolar for me.  It may change in the future, and I hope it does.  I hope my level of activity and fun can intensify more and more with time without the inevitable dip.  But right now, I am trying to honor how I am feeling, and although I am fighting the negative "depression inducing" thoughts, I am still letting myself flow with how I am feeling. 

What is hard for me to accept, is that it is okay to have a bad day.  It is okay to feel low sometimes.  I guess, having been in such a low state for so long - when I feel good I just want that to last forever, and it's hard for me to understand why, when I am working so hard to make it mean everything and take every moment in, why I can't just have it last.  

But it doesn't last.  Like the pendulum of life, so goes the pendulum of my brain and its chemicals.  What I am trying to focus on today, is that despite feeling low, I am not text-book depressed.  I am not killing myself with negative thoughts.  I am not crying inconsolably.  I am not berating myself to the point of feeling hopeless.  And I am not suicidal.  Those are all precious things to be thankful for.  

I hope that this only lasts a brief amount of time.  I pray.  I'm going to do what I need to do to keep going through this.  To "keep going" is the important thing, not give up.

The way I would like to think of the low I feel this time, is that I just had so much fun and fabulousness on the weekend and the week previous, that I just need some time to rest.  This is my body and brain's way of telling me it's time to slow down, and take stock of where I am.  And that's okay.  It has to be okay.  Because the more I make it not okay, the worse it gets.  

So I'm okay.  I'm just a little low.  I'm a little tired.  And I need some "me" time to regroup.  It will be okay… right?

Thankful Thursdays

Well, I'm feeling low today.  And no, I'm not too sure how to handle it.  I had some very good days recently.  And this is hard to be feeling.  I woke up this way - very tired, and wanting to sleep all day.  I still managed to get out of bed, because I felt like it was the right thing to do, but even though I have checked my email and Facebook, I'm not feeling my usual morning uplift.  

So, I will take a tool from my new book, and start counting my blessings:  

I am thankful for getting up despite feeling very groggy and slow and tired.  It was still nice to get out of bed, make my coffee, feed the turtle, and open the blinds.  I am even enjoying the fact that it's a gray day outside so far.  I find sometimes that endless sunshine is too much pressure.  Lately I have truly been enjoying it, but I love the occasional gray, snuggly day.  

This morning when feeding Leona, she was being her usual silly self and Tony got a glimpse of it and laughed, hard.  It was wonderful.  I just love his laugh and smile.  And to hear a laugh like that come out of him so early in the morning was awesome.  I told him it's laughs like that she gives me every day and that's why I love her so much.  I love that turtle.  And that Tony!  

I am grateful for the message I saw on Facebook about letting the Universe answer your problems and not worrying.  That is what happened for me yesterday.  All is well now, and I am lighter one less worry.  It's wonderful.  

I am thankful that one of my favorite songs just came on and I can sing along.  I love singing, even if I don't have my gift anymore!  It's still fun to sing out loud.  Hehe!

I am thankful for the cool temps so far this morning.  Perhaps I should go take a shower to start off my day.  I'm stinky!  

So yes, I have plenty to be thankful for.  My house, my bed, my coffee, my pet turtle, my amazing fiance, my comfortable clothes, the fact that I paid my bills yesterday, and on it goes.  

I'm still feeling heavy, but my heart is lighter having taken a moment to remember all I am thankful for today.  I hope the gratitude continues as the day wears on.  

Working Some Things Out...

My day started out really good, and positive.  But I find myself fading this afternoon, and it's frustrating me.  What I think I just realized, is that I need to stop, and let it flow.  

I get so quickly frustrated with what I call "my limitations."  Although I wake up feeling good, positive, and ready to conquer the day, quickly into doing anything that requires a great deal of concentration, or especially if I meet road blocks in my day where things aren't going like I'd hoped, I get frustrated.  And the frustration frustrates me.  

Frustration is a very negative emotion for me.  Because it seems to breed itself.  The more time I give to my frustration, the greater it becomes, until I have lost my positive mood all together.  That is what I'm met with this afternoon.  I'm tired.  And I'm feeling low.  And I have decided I need to address this.  

I am not flowing right now.  I am not letting the day flow as it should, as it is intended to be.  Yes, I've met some frustrations today, but there is no need for it to ruin my day.  And there is no reason it should ruin my mood.  I can still be a positive and happy being even though I am met with some bumps in the road.  

The flow of my day has been more rapids than a gentle creek.  And I'm trying to slow it down to where I like it to be.  I still have accomplished things - many things in fact that make me feel good.  So I'm still thankful.  I'm thankful for my Disability payment that enabled me to pay my bills.  I am thankful for my electric bill that means I have electricity.  I am thankful for my gas bill because it means I have warm water and can use my stove and heat my house if it were cold.  I am thankful for my phone bill and the communication it stands for.  I am thankful that I have a little extra so I could buy a new pair of shoes as a birthday present to myself.  

I am thankful for my delicious lunch, for the sunshine and fresh air coming through my windows.  I am thankful for the music streaming into my computer which brightens and calms my mood at the same time.  

So yes, it is a good day, just a mellow afternoon.  And I'm working to be okay with that.