Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's Okay to Have a Bad Day
One thing I have been working on since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, is the unexpected (and unwanted) mood swings. I am ever thankful for the blessing that my swings are getting fewer and farther between, but they are still there, even if they are mild. And they still can be frustrating.
I have to be honest, I wondered what this week would bring after such a fun-filled weekend. It's not that I cannot have a fun, exciting time without some sort of downfall, but it's rare. And usually my fun has to be moderate in order to ward off a dip such as I'm feeling today and have been feeling since Monday night.
What can I say? This is just part of being bipolar for me. It may change in the future, and I hope it does. I hope my level of activity and fun can intensify more and more with time without the inevitable dip. But right now, I am trying to honor how I am feeling, and although I am fighting the negative "depression inducing" thoughts, I am still letting myself flow with how I am feeling.
What is hard for me to accept, is that it is okay to have a bad day. It is okay to feel low sometimes. I guess, having been in such a low state for so long - when I feel good I just want that to last forever, and it's hard for me to understand why, when I am working so hard to make it mean everything and take every moment in, why I can't just have it last.
But it doesn't last. Like the pendulum of life, so goes the pendulum of my brain and its chemicals. What I am trying to focus on today, is that despite feeling low, I am not text-book depressed. I am not killing myself with negative thoughts. I am not crying inconsolably. I am not berating myself to the point of feeling hopeless. And I am not suicidal. Those are all precious things to be thankful for.
I hope that this only lasts a brief amount of time. I pray. I'm going to do what I need to do to keep going through this. To "keep going" is the important thing, not give up.
The way I would like to think of the low I feel this time, is that I just had so much fun and fabulousness on the weekend and the week previous, that I just need some time to rest. This is my body and brain's way of telling me it's time to slow down, and take stock of where I am. And that's okay. It has to be okay. Because the more I make it not okay, the worse it gets.
So I'm okay. I'm just a little low. I'm a little tired. And I need some "me" time to regroup. It will be okay… right?