Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Okay to Have a Bad Day

One thing I have been working on since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, is the unexpected (and unwanted) mood swings.  I am ever thankful for the blessing that my swings are getting fewer and farther between, but they are still there, even if they are mild.  And they still can be frustrating.  

I have to be honest, I wondered what this week would bring after such a fun-filled weekend.  It's not that I cannot have a fun, exciting time without some sort of downfall, but it's rare.  And usually my fun has to be moderate in order to ward off a dip such as I'm feeling today and have been feeling since Monday night.  

What can I say?  This is just part of being bipolar for me.  It may change in the future, and I hope it does.  I hope my level of activity and fun can intensify more and more with time without the inevitable dip.  But right now, I am trying to honor how I am feeling, and although I am fighting the negative "depression inducing" thoughts, I am still letting myself flow with how I am feeling. 

What is hard for me to accept, is that it is okay to have a bad day.  It is okay to feel low sometimes.  I guess, having been in such a low state for so long - when I feel good I just want that to last forever, and it's hard for me to understand why, when I am working so hard to make it mean everything and take every moment in, why I can't just have it last.  

But it doesn't last.  Like the pendulum of life, so goes the pendulum of my brain and its chemicals.  What I am trying to focus on today, is that despite feeling low, I am not text-book depressed.  I am not killing myself with negative thoughts.  I am not crying inconsolably.  I am not berating myself to the point of feeling hopeless.  And I am not suicidal.  Those are all precious things to be thankful for.  

I hope that this only lasts a brief amount of time.  I pray.  I'm going to do what I need to do to keep going through this.  To "keep going" is the important thing, not give up.

The way I would like to think of the low I feel this time, is that I just had so much fun and fabulousness on the weekend and the week previous, that I just need some time to rest.  This is my body and brain's way of telling me it's time to slow down, and take stock of where I am.  And that's okay.  It has to be okay.  Because the more I make it not okay, the worse it gets.  

So I'm okay.  I'm just a little low.  I'm a little tired.  And I need some "me" time to regroup.  It will be okay… right?

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