Earlier today, it was so much easier to think about what I'm thankful for than it is at the present moment. This evening took a dramatic downturn that I was not prepared for. I had a very big outburst and meltdown which, albeit frightening, was somewhat cathartic for me. Perhaps getting a lot of that pent-up anger out was a good release. That and the crying - no, sobbing. Tears are always a huge release when they come in large waves. Painful and agonizing at the time, but in the end I definitely feel that chemical release they speak of with regard to crying.
So today I am most thankful for Lou on the Suicide Prevention Crisis Hotline. I called in much distress, and she was the one I was routed to. She was wonderful… calm, sweet, straight-forward, and excellent at keeping me talking, even to the point where she was able to get me to talk about things other than what I was distressed about so I was much more relaxed in the end. The first time I ever called a suicide hotline in my life, I ended up trying to commit suicide having ended up more frustrated than I was to begin with. But today, I'm thankful that not only was she kind and concerned, but I was also more in need of someone to talk to than someone to take me from the edge.
I am also thankful for Tony coming home when he was scheduled to go play cards. For him to make the determination that I needed someone home with me tonight without me asking, and still coming home despite my protests means more to me than words can express. It's a quiet night for us, but just to have him next to me as we eat dinner and watch TV helps more than he will ever be able to fully understand.
So for Thankful Thursday: "Thank you Lou and Tony, for showing me love and support when I was at the end of my rope today." I wish I were able to say there will be less and less of these days sooner and sooner, but I fear we may have a long way to go yet.