Saturday, September 25, 2010
After some feedback from one of (or perhaps my only) readers, I feel the need to add to my last post. Because maybe me being "honest" will make them feel better.
The REASON money is a big issue at the moment is because I went on a spending spree for my birthday. Yes, me. It's all my fault that I do not have the money to afford my doctor or counselor right now. And it's absolutely driving me CRAZY.
I feel horrible. I feel irresponsible. I was not trying to lie, or deceive by not offering up this information in my last post. My last post was about how I was feeling. Money being tight was not the reason for my last post, it was the catalyst.
But let's be "honest," right? I have failed. I have failed myself and my fiance. I have failed my doctors and my counselors. And most importantly, because I failed myself, I have failed my health.
Every - single - thing I said in my last post I feel every day with or without money. Let's just put that up front. Yes, I experience roadblocks. And they're frustrating. The particular roadblock of getting a letter about fees being raised came at the wrong time. I was already worried about money (AT MY OWN DOING - ugh). I was having a frustrating day to top it off, and then I got the letter.
I'm not sure if anyone who reads my blog knows much about triggers. But triggers are a BIG part of being bipolar. One thing, one small little thing can send a bipolar spiraling into the dark abyss. That happened to me yesterday. It was a trigger on top of many others I was able to dodge. But this one stuck.
To top it off, my fiance and I are now fighting. Because why? Because yet again, I wanted too much. I EXPECTED too much from him. I could not just accept that he needed some time to himself and therefore I got selfish and needy and we ended up in a huge fight.
I need to much. I want too much. I spend too much. And I expect too much. Because some how, now matter how hard I try, except for the comfort of my doctor and counselor, I am constantly met with people telling me I am too selfish. And now, that I am not being honest with myself.
So there you go. Honesty. I honestly feel like I am fucking up my life and I have no control and have NO idea how to fix it. There you have it.