Saturday, September 25, 2010

A Correction

After some feedback from one of (or perhaps my only) readers, I feel the need to add to my last post.  Because maybe me being "honest" will make them feel better.

The REASON money is a big issue at the moment is because I went on a spending spree for my birthday.  Yes, me.  It's all my fault that I do not have the money to afford my doctor or counselor right now.  And it's absolutely driving me CRAZY.

I feel horrible.  I feel irresponsible.  I was not trying to lie, or deceive by not offering up this information in my last post.  My last post was about how I was feeling.  Money being tight was not the reason for my last post, it was the catalyst.  

But let's be "honest," right?  I have failed.  I have failed myself and my fiance.  I have failed my doctors and my counselors.  And most importantly, because I failed myself, I have failed my health.  

Every - single - thing I said in my last post I feel every day with or without money.  Let's just put that up front.  Yes, I experience roadblocks.  And they're frustrating.  The particular roadblock of getting a letter about fees being raised came at the wrong time.  I was already worried about money (AT MY OWN DOING - ugh).  I was having a frustrating day to top it off, and then I got the letter. 

I'm not sure if anyone who reads my blog knows much about triggers.  But triggers are a BIG part of being bipolar.  One thing, one small little thing can send a bipolar spiraling into the dark abyss.  That happened to me yesterday.  It was a trigger on top of many others I was able to dodge.  But this one stuck.  

To top it off, my fiance and I are now fighting.  Because why?  Because yet again, I wanted too much.  I EXPECTED too much from him.  I could not just accept that he needed some time to himself and therefore I got selfish and needy and we ended up in a huge fight. 

I need to much.  I want too much.  I spend too much.  And I expect too much.  Because some how, now matter how hard I try, except for the comfort of my doctor and counselor, I am constantly met with people telling me I am too selfish.  And now, that I am not being honest with myself.  

So there you go.  Honesty.  I honestly feel like I am fucking up my life and I have no control and have NO idea how to fix it.  There you have it.  


kukkaberra said...

I know a thing or two about guilty spending sprees. I just bought 3(!) expensive pairs of shoes in the past 2 weeks. And have been in a guilty crabby funk ever since.

It's really tough dealing with the emotions that come up. Just remember that no matter what, you have to accept yourself. It's okay to make (even really big) mistakes. Learn from them and accept that you're going to make them.

As for spending time with Tony, P&I have gone through a LOT of that. We've really worked on our communication about needing space. It doesn't always work, though, and we have fights about it sometimes. Part of it is realizing that it's okay to have needs. Then you have to realize what they are. Then accept them. THEN(this is the one I struggle with) be okay if your partner can't meet them. My therapist says you should expect your partner to meet these needs about 50% of the time. The rest is up to you. You can do it!


LKH said...

Hi Sweetie, I just read your blog post and I just wanted to say try not to focus on the past- you can't change anything about it. Go for a walk if you can get up the strength and focus on making today a good one. Love you!