Friday, September 24, 2010

Unraveling From Within

I feel like sometimes we are tested to our limits.  And today, I just reached mine.  I'm not sure what to say.  It was just the straw that broke the camel's back for me today.  I got a letter from my doctor's office telling me they are raising their fees.  What's most frustrating is the timing of the whole thing.  Money is a big issue at the moment.  So much so, that I cancelled both my doctor and my counselor because I couldn't afford them this month.  Then I find out fees will be raised starting in November.  

I feel like I'm unraveling from deep within my core.  Yes, I am worried and fearful of the fee change.  But what is keeping the tears from stopping this afternoon is how hard I feel I work to better myself and my health, and it feels like it's just one roadblock after another.  I finally get to a stage where I feel like I'm GETTING somewhere.  I'm feeling more positive.  I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm breathing easier and smiling more.  I'm more patient.  I'm less hostile.  I am finding blessings in the smallest of things.  So why?  Why am I met with challenge after challenge?  It just doesn't seem fair.  

Yeah… "this is life," right?  Well, I'm sorry if it seems selfish of me to want better for myself.  I try so hard, SO HARD to change my perceptions.  I try to keep calm and keep "sane" when sometimes I just want to go off the deep end.  Do you know how hard that is?  Do you know how hard it is to live your life one step away from the edge?  I try so hard, especially lately, not to dwell on it.  I try to accept that challenges will always lie in my path, it's how I choose to overcome them that matters.  And it's the fact that I choose to overcome them that matters most, that I choose to stand up and fight and not give up.  

Today I made a vow to continue to work to create a better, healthier me.  But sometimes, I wonder if I'm strong enough.  

I am used to providing for my partnership.  I am used to bringing home a solid income.  I am used to being able to eat and not count every single penny that comes into my bank account.  I am not used to the two weeks of anxiety that consume me before my next Disability payment.  

I want to believe I will overcome this too.  But my sorrows today, my tears and agony, come from the frustration of working so hard, and getting 10 steps ahead, only to fall 20 steps back.  Another challenge.  Another roadblock.  Another obstacle to overcome.  And my state of mind - my poor, fragile, unstable brain cannot take it all sometimes.  

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