Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Precariousness of Paranoia
Something is bothering me. I put a silly, self-absorbed comment up on Facebook. And a friend of mine that I have really, in all frankness lost, put up a comment about ignorance. I couldn't help feeling that perhaps that was meant for me.
Ah, the paranoia that lives deep in my psyche. It's the same one that makes me worry that people are laughing at me on the bus when they're joking around behind me. Or the same one that makes me think everyone on the street is looking at me funny, and they somehow "know" I am a lesser being, that I am frumpy and smelly and insecure, that something is wrong with me and I have a mental illness, that I'm "crazy."
I sincerely hope that her post was not about me. I hurt her in the past. But for some reason we're still friends on Facebook. I sometimes feel bad that she has to read my mindless babble when we cannot be good friends anymore.
Do people really know when they look at me that something is "wrong?" Do they really see me walking down the street and think to themselves "What a fat slob!"? Or on the bus, when teenagers are behind me laughing; are they laughing at me?
One would say "The world does not revolve around YOU, Carrie!" And they would be right. But I wonder, does paranoia thrive on insecurity, or self-absorption?