Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Today while browsing Facebook, I came across a post of a video of Peter, Paul, and Mary singing "Puff The Magic Dragon." I instantly thought of you. I remember not long after you died, sitting in Dave's house and he put a video on of you singing karaoke to this very song, and he told me it used to be one of your favorites.
We so enjoyed watching that video. We had great laughs, and I recall (as I look back on it now) the amazing spirit of fun that surrounded you. That is what I most want to remember about you. I want to remember your silliness and fun. It's all people can talk about now that you are gone.
So I watched the video of Peter, Paul and Mary. And I listened intently to the words for the first time. And wow, the tears fell. What a great song, to be such a sad story but still have a light about it that makes it a fun song to sing along to.
I think about the pain you must have felt in your life. Mom and I talk about it from time to time. It's hard for me to overcome the guilt for the hatred I felt toward you for so many years. How I wish I could take it all back. But I cannot, and I have to have faith that all things happen in their own time, and with good reason. I still love you. You will always be my father. I will always carry with me the memories I have, especially those of your smile and silliness.
So today, Dad, I dedicate my love to you. Unexpectedly your spirit entered my day, and I am so glad for it as I approach my 31st birthday. I am so thankful that you impacted the lives of those close to me so much, that they can tell me stories of you full of fun and happiness.
Dealing with my own demons, I feel genuine pain and sorrow for anything similar you had to endure yourself. But I hope some day, we will reunite in the Heavens, and have a good many laughs over all our successes in life. You may have felt like a failure, but the more I learn about you, the more I realize you were a success beyond your recognition. And I just love it.
Thank you for the memories. And thank you for loving me, even though you weren't sure how to show it. I may not have known it growing up, but I know it now. Your spirit is with me always.
I love you,